Monday, May 13, 2013

How to hit 40

As 40 knocks louder and louder on my door and my 30's begin to fade into the distant sunset I've realised that a midlife crisis is nothing to be sneezed at.


If you are of wrinkled years and are feeling as angsty as I have been lately about the passing of time, then you've come to the right place. Here are my offerings, my tips on 'How to hit 40' - some learned the hard way and some not learned yet at all.

1 year to go...

Start wearing shades for every photo. You will look 10 years younger.

Stop drinking. Your skin will glow again, your eyes will sparkle. You will look 10 years younger.

Don't stop drinking. You will need alcohol to dull the pain.

Do not leave your husband \ get a tattoo \ run away to a foreign country. You will still be 40, but with no husband, a tattoo and no friends.

Buy an expensive foundation.

Stop saying to nieces, nephews and children's friends 'Gosh you've grown. You're getting so old now!' You are the one getting old. And this kind of talk proves it.

Get ready to be excited about your tomato seeds sprouting.

Stop taking drugs. It doesn't make you cool, it just makes you look slightly deranged, in a Goldie Hawn kind of way.

Don't do botox. It doesn't make you younger, it just makes you look slightly deranged, in a Goldie Hawn kind of way.

You will become invisible to anyone between the ages of 8 and 28. Deal with it.

Buy a good pair of tweezers. Check chin regularly.

Realise that youth is wasted on the young.

Try not to be old and bitter about the fact that youth is wasted on the young.

Start hanging out with people older than you. You will suddenly think you look great.

Stop saying phrases like 'hanging out'.

Move all mirrors that are beside a natural light source.

Stop drinking. The hangovers are intolerable and unending.

Don't stop drinking. The years of hedonistic fun are swiftly running out.

Now what have I missed? I still have 63 days to go...

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