Wednesday, October 14, 2015

The day I met Tom Cruise in the steam room

After a quick session of laps in the pool I decided to pop into the steam room for a moment of calm.

As I opened the door I could hear voices. Male voices. The steam was thick and heavy and the room dark. I peered through the mists of mystery and could just make out the partially naked bodies of two gentlemen. 

Sitting down at the other side of the room I got on with the task of sweating. 

"What she doesn't realise..." - a voice boomed out before me

"... is that I'm fucking Tom Cruise!"

I couldn't see the vision of Tom in front of me at the time, but felt sure that his thick Irish accent meant he was in character for his next role. 

I tried hard not to, but involuntarily spluttered out a guffaw. 

'What?' Tom sounded shocked.

'You think I don't look like Tom Cruise?' 

The mist cleared a little to reveal a middle aged, pot bellied man and his elderly companion. 

I mumbled an apology and promised not to listen any more. 

There followed tales of warring siblings, lost inheritance, loved land, divided farms, marriage, death, drink and betrayal. All that was missing with a war veteran in a wheelchair, the mission impossible theme tune and some cocktails. 

"You're not listening to this now are you?" boomed Tom into the silence, hunting me out through the fog before he went on - 

"Hmm. You look like a guard to me" 

"Are you a guard?" 

No, I'm not a guard. 

"A nurse! You're a nurse!"

No, not a nurse. 

'Well? What do you do then?' he demanded.

"Oh I'm a writer" I said as I stood to leave. "Thanks for the all the great material." 

Tom's face froze in fear and his eyes grew wide. 

"You wouldn't dare" he whispered. 

"Course not" I said, as I clicked the door shut behind me. 

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