Every morning before the rest of the household stirs the thief gently pads downstairs and silently searches the cupboards. There is only one thing on his mind. Treasure.
He rifles through each cupboard in turn, carefully replacing anything that becomes dislodged along the way.
He climbs on chairs to reach secret hiding places that we thought he would never discover.
He continues his hunt systematically until he finds his prize - the school biscuits.
He then goes into the sitting room to watch our television and gorge himself on countless Penguin bars and Mini Oreos until he has had his fill.
As the sun rises and the wrappers are hidden in the bottom of the bin or perhaps behind the sofa, the thief dissolves as if never there and when we arrive around the door all that we see is our darling blond haired boy.
The problem is we never actually catch the thief red handed and trying to extract information from the main suspect is impossible.
Solemn promises of 'I swear I didn't do it. I promise. It wasn't me' are followed with tears and cries of 'But I didn't doooooo it!'
So convincing is the suspect that we begin to doubt ourselves.
Today however he slipped up.
As I opened the door of the kitchen I was greeted with a large pool of dark red liquid, smeared across the kitchen floor like a scene from a gruesome horror movie.
The kitchen cupboard lay slightly ajar with a terrified bottle of Ribena peeping out at the murder scene.
'GET IN HERE NOW!' I shout and three shocked faces appear at my elbow.
*Gasp* 'Who did that?' asks the girl.
'Yes. WHO. DID. THAT.' I echo looking furiously at Suspect 1 and 2.
'I swear I didn't do it. I promise. It wasn't me' shoots back Suspect 1.
'Well he doesn't even like Ribena' I say nodding at the boy previously known as Suspect 2.
'But I didn't doooooo it!'
This time I have him cornered though. The three hours of denials won't be necessary today.
'Go and look in the mirror and then come back to me and answer the question again' I say.
He walks up to the bathroom mirror and stands there for a moment before conceding.
'OK. It was me'.